The Parable of the Crows
This morning, I finally figured out which varmints were tearing up my trashbags in search of succulent rotting food.
Initially the suspicion fell on racoons, skunks or possibly possums.
Now when I hear possum I think "Beverly Hillbillies" but their particular zoological milieu may as well be on the planet Mongo for all I know. You might thing the chesty little suburb I live in is too damn overdeveloped to support such exotic creatures. But my next door neighbor pointed one off this ghostly beasties to me and so, they got on the list.
Be that as it may, the bags are getting torn apart by verminous crows in their mindless search for easy carrion-hell I saw them going at like this morning like they were hungry or something.
Now tearing my trashbags apart is a bad thing, it makes the front yard look hideous and makes ME look ineffectual in the eyes of my neighbors.
Now, the conventional wisdom dictates sealing my trash inside a plastic trash barrel-all very safe and amicable to the Brookings Institute. This would be the "containment" option but as any reader of the Wall Street Journal's op-ed page can tell you, containment is tantamount to appeasement.
And appeasement according to every single breathing pundit in this great land of ours is a bad thing.
There is a crow-king and his hag infested harem up there in the branches LAUGHING at me and all decent mores of suburban life!
And he is eating off my rubbish for FREE!
So I've decided to exterminate the crows...no not all of them, I'm not genocidal. Nope just their pesky noisy leadership and his harem.
So I've opted for a proportional response after a quick glance at the accumulated editorials of William Safire going back to 1997 I'm deploying three armored divisions, 110,00 infantry, an air campaign that would give Marshal Italo Balbo wood for the ages, and assistance from forty five select bankrupt micro-duchies some of whom can be found on any map.
The crow-king and his vile harem will be destroyed and never again will consume my refuse or the refuse of my neighbors all of whom have opted like surrender monkeys for sealed plastic trash barrels.
The airborne @ss-clown is not gonna make the rule of law or ME look stupid!!!!!
I however am feeling awesomely comfortable now in my skin and am being fitted for a silver laurel crow and perhaps a cape made of crow feathers.
Crow feathers don't smell do they?
I hate bad smells.
Sans this malign dictatorship the surviving crows will get the message for sure, elect a congress entirely with funds raised by the private sector and institute performance enhancing school vouchers for their nestlings.
The neighborhood block association will rise from their cellars and craters and no doubt end the practice of elections and simply elect me chairman for Infinity.
The first thing we build....is a church.
And cut taxes....
:)
Health to our crow hunters on the ground today.