Thursday, January 22, 2004

The Laura Ingraham Asylum for the Criminally Inane:

Back when Laura Ingraham was shopping around for a religion, did no one try to steer her to Rev. Moon's "Unification Church"?
Apparently not.
If she'd-a-gone ga-ga for the Moonies she'd only be ahead of the GOP pack, perhaps for the first time in her life!
I mean, think about that.
But, sadly, it was not to be, Laura went Catholic, and now she finishes off a parishful of sacramental wine with one gulp...SARS or no SARS.
Yes indeedy Milady Tedium was on the Imus program today with her vast repertoire of awful impersonations and that screechy adolescent voice of hers.
Laura please! If you are somehow reading this, give the pubescent tone of triumphalism a rest willya?
Even Jerry Lewis gave up playing "the kid" when he turned forty!
It doesn't help matters the way that vulgar old zombie Imus indulges her gubernatorial sense of satire and treats her like Laura is a serious thinker.
I'm afraid Ms. Ingraham is a kind of neocon Jessica Simpson endowed thanks to years of conservative think tank welfare, with the unerring ability to predict the past.
All but forgotten was her spiteful dismissal of Senator John Kerry, now she fearlessly conflates Dean's allegedly faded candidacy with the internet bubble of the 1990's.
This is a stultifying comparison that has been only zipping around the web since Monday night...clearly Laura pulled her head out of her ass long enough to log on to alt.simpleminded-cliches before calling in to Imus this morning.
All this sneering criticism that Dean has attracted only obscures the fact that his critics once marked out hard for him...even Laura who regarded his nomination a done deal three weeks ago.
Anyway just who made this drunken inane social-climbing bint a political expert anyway?
Most of her brilliant insights could've been lifted from Eileen McNamara's damn column...or any half-witted website.
With false humility Laura then claimed that she spent four years in New Hampshire and doesn't "understand" the state.
That would be the remorseless eight semester long bender she had at Dartmouth with time out to pleasure Dinesh D'Souza,
Lemme tell you something Laura I spent four years in New Hampshire too I was even sober for some of it, and I think I understand the Granite State perfectly.
New Hampshire is a bitterly conservative state, with a pronounced suspicion of out-of-state conservatives.
It's the only so called republican leaning state in the Union wherein I overheard some duffer in a bar call Ronald Reagan "a fag".
And that was at the height of Saint Ron's popularity!
All this talk about lost Hanover did put the radio tyrantess in a laughably nostalgic mood though.
Eventually the bad impressions and sarcastic put-downs of other people's sense of haute couture trailed off, Laura sighed and began babbling about Jesus and the life hereafter.
This is where the conversation took a decisive down turn there is nothing more unintentionally hilarious than Laura Ingraham trying to contemplate her maker.
Whatever she was doing last night though, she was too addled this morning to properly quote Matthew 16, verses 13-18.
That is the whole "You are the rock upon which I will build my church" routine, which seasoned Catholics can recite it in their sleep.
Well I'll give her a pass cause she is a newbie and all....I still think she is a seedy bitch though.

Such is the Kingdom of Heaven
On the congressionally licensed airwaves
And elsewhere
7:45am EST
God Save the Republic.

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